Tempers and Tantrums

I am  not the only one. I believe mothers out there in my situation share the same experience as I do.

I am known to be quite patient compared to most of my friends but there are several things that ticks me off in an instant and changes me to a monster that I can be quite scared of, even of myself. I guess the rage within is an evil thing lurking just waiting to be unleashed.

As you all would have known, I have started Jaden on all his 4 supplements and getting him to eat them all is not an easy job. It means lots of pushing, running away, me chasing, trying to force it down him and also spillage on the floor and of course, all these with lots of crying from both of us -Jaden crying murder and me crying because I feel as if I failed in being a mother. 

AND that is only 4 supplements. 

Just recently, I had two encounters that really got me scared of myself.

One occasion when I was trying to feed Jaden his cod liver oil and he was sitting in his babychair. We were pressing for time to go out to run Mr's errands and the boy decided to refuse his cod liver oil. Of all days, of all places... right at the carpeted area, he pushed the spoon out of my hands and everything sprayed everywhere. 

Anger got the better out of me and without a thought, instantly, my hands went down to want to whack Jaden. Of course, I knew what angry strength could do, so instead of whacking down on Jaden, I vented my anger out on the baby chair and two of my fingers bruised INSTANTLY! It hurt me so much, physical pain of course but that also reminded me of what my strength could have done to the little one should I have hit down on him.

The second occasion that got me crying and having to get out of the house just to cool down was due to Jaden refusing his supplements. As usual, the boy has to take his digestive enzymes before food but that one day, he just refused it and everything spilled everywhere. Not wanting to give in to his demands, I pushed it in his face, forcing him down which resulted in him crying like a banshee, tears and mucus running down his face, with occasional slaps on his arms by me. I was adamant that he drinks it up because it is supposed to help him digest his food inside his guts which is already not working well. By not consuming his digestive enzymes, the food that his body is unable to digest will soon leak out to his blood stream and be toxic. 

The father could not bear to see his son crying away like that and pushed me away from his son. There was nasty exchange of words which left me really heartbroken by what the small and big one has done and said. 

It is at times like these, I feel like giving up. It is at times like these, I feel that I am not appreciated at all for my doings, in wanting to make Jaden well again. It is at times like these, I know that no one else would be able to keep up the supplements timing like I do and make Jaden down them all, even if it might be a little traumatizing. 

I washed up, I got out of the house and drove out. I blanked my mind completely, not wanting to feel anything at all. Sometimes it gets so dejecting, I just want to let it all go but I know deep down, I can't. Because he is my son and I want to see him recover. I want him to recover, at least 80-90% neurotypical. 

I can be a monster mother.